Welcome to Woodstock

Welcome to Woodstock. You’ve never seen so many white Buddhists in one place!

Welcome to Woodstock. Have you tried crystals?

Welcome to Woodstock. No, that was 69 miles away.

Welcome to Woodstock. No, that one was 8 miles away.

Welcome to Woodstock. We’re diverse! We have hippies and Vietnam vets!

Welcome to Woodstock. We’re diverse! We have fairy wiccans and flower wiccans!

Welcome to Woodstock. Would you like to join the drum circle?
 

United States, Ranked by Shape

Ohio has the most pleasing shape, but Florida is a dick.

Kansas ranks slightly above Colorado, because Kansas has a wonky corner and Colorado is just a rectangle.

Alabama has actual balls.

Minnesota IS A DALEK.

Michigan WTF.

West Virginia also WTF

Louisiana looks like that BECAUSE IT IS MADE OUT OF SWAMPS WTF

New York is so perfectly shaped that it is disqualified for ruining the curve.

California is bent. Like a peen.

New Jersey is a literal bowel.

Massachusetts: wtf is up with Cape Cod?

Maine: I appreciate the way you have bullied Canada and taken up lots of space that clearly belongs to her.

Vermont and New Hampshire, you aren't fooling anyone. You are the same state, upside down and backward.

Wyoming may be even more rectangular than Colorado.

MEMO

To: Billy Joel

Re: Captain Jack


I have questions.

1. Who is Captain Jack?

2. Why is he getting me high tonight?

3. Did I consent?

4. WTF is my special island?

5. Where is this island?

6. Can I get there via public transportation?

7. Is the island a metaphor?

8. FOR WHAT?

9. Is this a “you should smile more” negging kind of a thing?

10. Seriously, WHAT SPECIAL ISLAND.


This story was on Patreon first. Get exclusive stories for as little as $1 a month.

Hillary Shrugs

This Hillary Clinton fanfic contains spoilers for season one of The Good Place.


Do you recall the young woman in Los Angeles who had her knitting with her despite the heat? Radha, I believe. We spoke about her knitting and you nudged me to move along the signing line? I am trying to recall the name of the website she told me about. I believe it was a pun but I can’t recall the word.


Yes, Ravelry! And you say the site is secure? I will need a username. Probably not the usual.


Thank you, Huma, my profile is all set up but I can’t figure out how to add a profile picture. I did manage to add my favorite television shows, Madam Secretary and Parks and Recreation. Also The Good Place, have you seen it?


Thank you for your help with my profile picture. Is it vain to use one from ten years ago? I do enjoy the fact that I am wearing a hand knitted sweater in it. Yes, I love The Good Place. I confess, I did see it coming. In the first episode, I turned to Bill and said, “that is the bad place,” and he laughed at me.


You should have seen Bill’s reaction when we watched The Sixth Sense.


I added my first project to Ravelry! I even managed to add a photo from my phone, but it is sideways. Just when I was feeling quite technologically savvy for a woman of my age.


Huma!! I was so touched by your birthday gift. The wool is delightfully soft, and my favorite color (of course you know that). I appreciate, too, the note on using revelry’s advanced search to find a pattern. What a wonderful treat! See you at dinner.


What a splendid birthday dinner. The creme brulee was among the best I’ve tasted. Now to tackle the revelry advanced search!


What is a cowl? Is that like Batman?


Thank you for explaining cowls. I have settled on knitting a shrug. Yes, I know what it means! I looked it up. (I asked Chelsea.)


Thank you for helping me understand PayPal. I have my pattern downloaded and printed. Bill thought I should put it on my iPad but I could not figure out how and did not wish to trouble you or Chelsea again.


The abbreviations in this knitting pattern threw me a bit, so I pulled out my mother’s craft books from the attic. What a treasure trove! Everything is out of fashion but they are an invaluable resource and a lovely connection to my past. I knitted as a girl, of course, but those skills lay dormant for decades as I pursued a career and family. I have now CO (cast on my stitches, that is put them on my knitting needs) and started to k and p (knit and purl) with the occasional yo (yarn over, we used to say yarn forward).


I have learned the terms tink and frog. They sound offensive but I am assured they are not!


Don’t worry, my knitting is back on course! I hope to be shrugging by Christmas.

 

Morrissey via Garfield

Note: Garfield is a severely fatphobic comic strip; this satire is therefore tinged with anti-fat sentiment, which the author does not share. Also, Morrissey is an ass.


Everyday is Like Monday

We Hate It When Our Pets Become Successful

You’re The One For Me Fatty

November Spawned A Nermal

Arbuckle On Fire

Odie Board, Odie Board

The Last of the Famous International Lasagnas

The More You Ignore Me, The Fatter I Get


If you enjoyed this free content, please consider tipping or becoming a patron. <3

The Joker

Content warning: self-harm; sexual harassment

It wasn’t anything special, the one that broke her. It was, comparatively speaking, a minor offense. Just a whistle—a compliment, as so many people had assured her—followed with a “Smile, love” when she glanced in the whistler’s direction. But she was tired.

She went home and sat at her dressing table. Vanity. She hated that word, vanity. It wasn’t vain to look at your own face.

“Smile, love.”

She picked up her favorite lipstick, the bright red one, and traced her lips. She kept going around and around, making her mouth redder and wider and she painted on layer after layer of lipstick.

Then, just as suddenly as she’d needed to apply the makeup, she wanted it off, off, OFF. She wiped at it with a tissue, but it barely touched it. She tried a wet wipe and only succeeded in smearing the red stain larger.

She walked to the kitchen and picked up a knife.

She scraped the lipstick off, cutting her lips out of her face until no man would ever again tell her to smile, because now her entire face was a smile, a great grinning maw.

She laughed.


This story was on Patreon first. Get exclusive stories for as little as $1 a month.

You Can't Go Back To Narnia

Even Susan

Bearer of the horn

Savior of Narnia 

Could not go back

 

She grew taller and she

Met a spy and they

Fell in love

Susan and this spy

 

And Susan wore lipstick

And sent her lover

Love letters in code

But Aslan found out

 

And he was jealous

 

Susan was his own precious discovery

And once a queen in Narnia

Always a queen in Narnia

 

But Susan

Gentle and afraid

Learned that she had

Always been brave

 

Susan’s lover sent her nylons

And French perfumes

And, once,

A whole coat, worth 18 coupons

 

Susan had nothing to send but letters

“Dear Beryl,” she wrote,

“Last night I dreamed

I went to Narnia again.

 

“I dreamed that I held

Once again

My arrows and bow

And my aim was true.

 

“I dreamed of a feast

And the end of wartime

I dreamed I could hold

You close to me without fear.”

 

Aslan visited

Susan in her dreams

And told her she must

Choose: Narnia or Beryl

 

Susan chose.

 

And Aslan, angry

Rewrote the story

But Susan is her own

Savior now.


This story was on Patreon first. Get exclusive stories for as little as $1 a month.